Rudolph, You Rock. Now Wise Up, Reindeer!

Okay, Rudolph, you've gone down in history with that song of yours. And for what? Selling out! So you were born with a shiny red schnoz and had the misfortune of living in a frozen polar ice cap with no access to a plastic surgeon or electrician. And all those big-antlered reindeer jocks and their patent-leather-hoofed cheerleader girlfriends called you names and shunned you because of it. I know, I know...it hurts to be the last one picked for the volleyball team. Bullying sucks. But, Rudolph, you copped out and allowed those conformist reindeer snobs to welcome you into their clique only after you bailed Santa's ass out of trouble. Man, you should have had more self-respect than that!

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And the Score is Love-Love: A Teenage Tennis Tale

"Where the boys are, someone waits for me," Connie Francis once sang. And just where were they waiting in my sleepy little hometown in the slow, sweet summertime? Well, let's just say it wasn't at our old cracked-concrete tennis courts. But for me, it was someplace to go, and go I did - back in my pre-car, pre-cash teen years. Every night after dinner, my friend Ann and I would dress to impress and make our way up cemetery hill to the courts to see and be seen. Alas, not much came of our tennis trolloping. Once or twice a guy friend would offer us a ride home, but it was never the guy we hoped for. Weren't we pretty enough, clever enough, or popular enough? Such thoughts would consume our high school years.

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David Peel: The Dope-Smokin’ Pope of the New York City Hippies

By the time the Age of Aquarius hit my little Pennsyltucky town, it was already the Age of Libra. For years we stared at our cabinet TVs with envy at the scenes of flower-children burning draft cards in Chicago, marching for peace in D.C., and dancing in hallucinogenic stupor in Golden Gate park. Just when we'd nearly given up hope that we'd ever be hip, God answered our prayers and gave us something to break the monotony of our boring, bourgeois lives: a bearded, long-haired, blurry-eyed, sandaled dude whom the town elders affectionately called "The Dirty Hippie." So touched was he by this moniker that he actually painted the nom de freak on the side of his psychedelically embellished pickup truck. What a treat to see him whiz by -- "Sunshine of your Love" and fragrant smoke wafting from his windows -- as we walked home from school. "Hey look! It's the Dirty Hippie!" we'd cry out as we waved. I have no idea whether our token tokin' rebel embraced the make-love-not-war ideology of the times, but he looked like he stepped right out of central casting for "Easy Rider." And that was good enough for us. We didn't want any trouble-making pinko types, anyway. We weren't ready for our small hamlet to become infested with the city-bred rodent variety of hippie -- like those personified by David Peel.

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You’re Invisible Now, You Got No Secrets to Conceal

I’m noting two things today: first, the 20-year anniversary of Ellen DeGeneres announcing, “Yep, I’m gay,” on her popular prime time TV series, thus ending weeks of speculation regarding a “coming out” announcement from the star. Second, it’s National Hairstylists Appreciation Day. Here’s how I relate the two events. On April 30, 1997, I was attending an evening AA meeting…

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Larry Storch: My Corporal Crush, in the Land of Fort Courage

I gave up trying to explain the appeal of my “crush objects” long ago. My fantasy figures, be they flesh-and-blood or fictional characters, have always been quirky types that never fit the traditional tall, dark, handsome, all-star, man-of-means mold. Such was the case with one of my earliest heartthrobs: Larry Storch. I’ve been in love with the guy from the…

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