Tolerance, Hairdo Envy, and Bad First Dates: Lessons Learned from a Brute & His Bride

Ah, you always remember your first time. There I was, in a dimly lit room...body tense and trembling under crisp sheets…heartbeat wild in anticipation…breaths short and shallow…spellbound by my first glimpse of something big, scary, and invasive…a spectacle that would excite me for the rest of my life: the 1935 classic, "The Bride of Frankenstein." This cinematic masterpiece introduced me to societal rejection, unrequited love, mob mentality, and the tortured soul of the outcast. It's the grandest monster flick of all time.

Continue ReadingTolerance, Hairdo Envy, and Bad First Dates: Lessons Learned from a Brute & His Bride

They Had Mohair Rings, But I Had Jo Jo Gunne

"No, Spiardi. I bought myself a ring that's too big." This is how Miss S.T. sarcastically answered when I asked if her boyfriend bought her the yarn-wrapped ring she was sporting on her finger. It had never occurred to me that the fuzzy bands worn by the A-list girls began their lives as one-size-fits-all pieces of cheap metal, purchased by…

Continue ReadingThey Had Mohair Rings, But I Had Jo Jo Gunne

VD is for Everybody — And Other Scary Facts I Learned from Watching PSAs

Ten-year-old kids shouldn't be worrying about the after-effects of unprotected sex, mind-altering drugs, and adult unemployment, but thanks to several artful public service announcements (PSAs) that aired on network television in the early 70s, I once considered pre-booking a room in a nunnery!

Continue ReadingVD is for Everybody — And Other Scary Facts I Learned from Watching PSAs

And the Score is Love-Love: A Teenage Tennis Tale

"Where the boys are, someone waits for me," Connie Francis once sang. And just where were they waiting in my sleepy little hometown in the slow, sweet summertime? Well, let's just say it wasn't at our old cracked-concrete tennis courts. But for me, it was someplace to go, and go I did - back in my pre-car, pre-cash teen years. Every night after dinner, my friend Ann and I would dress to impress and make our way up cemetery hill to the courts to see and be seen. Alas, not much came of our tennis trolloping. Once or twice a guy friend would offer us a ride home, but it was never the guy we hoped for. Weren't we pretty enough, clever enough, or popular enough? Such thoughts would consume our high school years.

Continue ReadingAnd the Score is Love-Love: A Teenage Tennis Tale

Rudolph, You Rock. Now Wise Up, Reindeer!

Okay, Rudolph, you've gone down in history with that song of yours. And for what? Selling out! So you were born with a shiny red schnoz and had the misfortune of living in a frozen polar ice cap with no access to a plastic surgeon or electrician. And all those big-antlered reindeer jocks and their patent-leather-hoofed cheerleader girlfriends called you names and shunned you because of it. I know, I know...it hurts to be the last one picked for the volleyball team. Bullying sucks. But, Rudolph, you copped out and allowed those conformist reindeer snobs to welcome you into their clique only after you bailed Santa's ass out of trouble. Man, you should have had more self-respect than that!

Continue ReadingRudolph, You Rock. Now Wise Up, Reindeer!