It’s that time of year when we feel compelled to set ourselves up for failure by making unrealistic resolutions we’ll never keep. Once again we will resolve to quit doing all the naughty things we enjoy, heed the advice of gurus named Chopra, Weil, Tolle, and Oz, and embark on new lifestyles defined by words like organic, tantric, mantra, quinoa, and kale.

I stopped making self-improvement resolutions a long time ago. Today, as always, I embrace my inner sloth, heed the words of gurus named Lennon, Dylan, Berry and Waits, and enjoy a lifestyle defined by words like riff, gig, mojo, backbeat, rave, juke, and a-wop-bop-a-loo-mop-a-wop-bam-boom. I prefer “old vinyl” to “new age,” amplification to meditation, and Prince to Pilates.

But as yer full-service, dedicated blogger, I have a responsibility to guide you, my loyal followers, toward a more enriching reading experience. Therefore, I have made these 10 resolutions.

1. I resolve never to cave-in to potential threats from Kim Jong-un following publication of my upcoming “Hijinks on the North Korean Border” article. (Stay tuned!)

2. I resolve to provide you with so much top-notch useless trivia that you, like me, will feel compelled to bore people to death at dinner parties by cluing them in on oodles of factoids – from details of Led Zeppelin’s greatest sex orgies, to the dates and places of all of Keith Richards’ and Paul McCartney’s drug busts.

3. I resolve to rail against extraneous ornament and to kill my darlings to the extent possible.

4. I resolve to never again describe an artist, song or album as iconic, a word I decided was totally useless after hearing CNN’s Wolf Blitzer once use it to describe Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. 

5. I resolve to make thicker my thinly-veiled references to high school friends and foes.

6. I resolve never to use the terms dumpster fire, bae, humblebrag, growth hacker, hashtag, or on fleek.

7. I resolve to warn male blog followers to stop reading my posts if they experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.

8. I resolve to warn all blog followers to stop reading my posts if they experience anxiety, headache, nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, constipation, dry mouth, diarrhea, skin rash or restless leg syndrome. OR if they are pregnant or plan to become pregnant (ladies, stay away from the afflicted blog follower in resolution #7.)

9. I  resolve to avoid annoying, abhorant alliterations, to permanently purge passé, puerile prose, and to remove repetitive, redundant rhetoric.

10. I resolve to never endorse any candidate for any public office, despite repeated requests from the powerful politicians who read by blog.

So, there you have it. The Hip Quotient is now “resolution-ized.” And your lives will be all the richer for it. You’re welcome.

By Dana Spiardi, Jan 5, 2015

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