As any guy will tell you, it’s a liberating experience to take a whiz in the great outdoors. However, some do actually get busted for it, none more so than male rock stars who tend to be rather indiscreet when it comes to leaving their scent.

Although various members of the Rolling Stones were arrested numerous times for high-profile drug-related offenses, they began their criminal careers as lowly public pissers. On March 18, 1965, the boys were fined £5 each each for urinating on the wall of a London gas station after bassist Bill Wyman was refused the use of the public restroom (supposedly it was out of order). He and bandmates Mick Jagger and Brian Jones retaliated by anointing the garage wall. It was a brilliant, albeit inadvertent marketing move: they’d now found their niche — as the bad boys of rock. The anti-Beatles, so to speak.

Ah, but The Fab Four were no angels, either, especially John, who was once evicted from a recording studio for allegedly urinating into a recording console. This was during his riotous 18-month “lost weekend” period in L.A. in the mid-1970s, so anything would have been possible.  Now, peeing into an expensive piece of audio equipment is forgivable, especially if you’re a Beatle, but blaming it on yer mates is just plain inexcusable! In a letter to record producer Phil Spector titled “A Matter of Pee,” John alleged it was his brothers in booze, Keith Moon and Harry Nilsson, who did the deed as the three were sharing studio space. “Should you not yet know, it was Harry and Keith who pissed on the console!” he wrote. “I can’t be expected to mind adult rock stars.” (In March 2014, this letter sold at auction for $88,000!) Who’d have thought John Lennon would end up being the piss police?

In February 1982, Black Sabbath hellboy Ozzy Osbourne took aim at the Alamo Cenotaph, a statue erected to honor the Texans who died during the 1836 independence battle with Mexico. How dare a Brit spray bat pee (or whatever he drank that day) on a revered American monument! At least he did it in style: he was supposedly wearing his girlfriend’s dress at the time. (Hey, Ozzy: is it easier to lift a skirt than yank down a zipper?) San Antonio banned The Oz from the city for 10 years, but later pardoned him when he donated $10,000 to the Daughters of the Republic of Texas, caretakers of the Alamo.

Moving on from Ozzy to Izzy, Guns N’ Roses guitarist Izzy Stradlin gave “cock pit” a whole new meaning when he unzipped and urinated in front of a plane full of passengers on a flight from Indianapolis to L.A. in 1989. Seems the restroom was occupied. What’s a famous rock star to do? Geffen Records publicist Bryn Bridenthal used the First Amendment to defend his client: “Relieving himself in the galley was just his way of expressing himself.” Izzy’s punishment? Writing a letter of apology to the USAir crew.

Izzy’s bandmate Slash would never make such a spectacle of himself. The guitar wiz prepares himself for accidents by choosing the appropriate moisture-absorbing clothing. In his self-titled memoir, he says he likes to wear leather pants, because “they’re a lot more forgiving when you urinate in them.”

Those Brits sure like soccer tournament trophy cups — so much so that some want to fill them with bodily fluids. That’s what English musician Pete Doherty once did when he and his band Babyshambles competed against a professional team, Queens Park Rangers, during a charity soccer event. Pete, a fan of QPR, said he was merely pulling a prank. Did the cup runneth over? Oh, banish the thought!

One of the the rock world’s most revered albums, The Who’s “Who’s Next,” features the four members of the British band zipping up after urinating on a stone monolith. Was it staged? Well, sort of. The band was driving through the English countryside scouting locations for a cover shot, when suddenly they spotted the perfect photo op. But photographer Ethan Russell takes some of the fun out of the scenario, saying, “Most of the members were unable to go, so rainwater was tipped from an empty film canister to achieve the desired effect.”

Finally, we come to pop pup Justin Bieber. He may lack the musical talent of the aforementioned celebrities, but when it comes to location, location, location, he scores points for finding a practical place of deposit: a yellow mop bucket! It seems that he and his pals were exiting through the rear of a restaurant kitchen in New York last year when he decided to leave a little something for an unsuspecting cleaning crew. The stunt was captured on tape by his silly sycophants, showing Bieber laughing all the while.

But permanent records of his urination don’t end there. Following a DUI arrest on January 23, 2014, Bieber was required to take a urine test, which was videotaped by an officer of the Miami Beach Police Department. The footage was made public (with Justin’s genitalia blacked out) after Judge William Altfield ruled that under Florida’s public records law, most evidence in a criminal case can be turned over to the media after it’s been given to the defense team. Who’s laughing now, rocker boy?

So, what’s the lesson to be learned here? Whether your bladder’s about to burst and you just can’t find a ceramic pot to piss in, or your inner rebel simply tells you to spray away, it’s best to be discreet.

Here’s the J. Geils Band, reminding men everywhere that no matter what goes on in the world, just fuggetaboutit and take a piss on the wall. The song is from their 1981 album “Freeze Frame.”

© Dana Spiardi, March 18, 2014

John first entered the FBI’s files in 1971 when he took part in a rally to free White Panther leader John Sinclair, who had been sentenced to 10 years in prison for selling two marijuana joints to undercover policemen. John even wrote a song for the occasion.  But what really landed him on Nixon’s famous enemies list was his potential to cause trouble during the 1972 presidential election.  John had hinted that he planned to launch a concert tour that would combine music with politics and include the participation of the leading far-left activists of the day.  The goal was to encourage 18 to 20 year-olds to vote, and – with luck – ensure that Nixon lost the election. Then there were those damn peace anthems that must have annoyed the crap out of Nixon: “Imagine,” “Power to the People” “Gimme Some Truth,” and “Give Peace a Chance.”

The next thing you know, that old racist Strom Thurmond is sending a memo to Nixon’s Attorney General, John Mitchell, stating: “If Lennon were to be deported, it would be a strategic counter-measure.” The FBI dug right in: they created a John Lennon information sheet using an image of John’s friend David Peel, a political activist and singer who had previously released an album on Apple Records titled “The Pope Smokes Dope.” (I guess all long-haired hippies in granny glasses look alike to G-men.) Soon, John started to notice that cars were following him. He grew paranoid about the number of people who kept coming to fix the phones in his loft at 105 Bank Street.  It got to the point where he would  go next door and use his friend John Cage’s phone. He discussed his plight on TV talk shows hosted by Tom Snyder and Dick Cavett. He made sure Nixon’s henchmen knew he was aware of their tactics.

Meanwhile, the whole world was becoming aware of Nixon’s “Dirty Tricks” re-election schemes – thanks to the tenacity of two reporters named Woodward and Bernstein, who unraveled the scandal called Watergate.  In 1974 Tricky Dicky left the White House in disgrace and all the king’s men bit the dust, thus ending the four-year Lennon witch hunt. As John left the courthouse after receiving his permanent residency Green Card, a reporter asked him if he carried any grudges against those who hounded him.

Without missing a beat, John said, “No, I believe time wounds all heels.”  I guess you could say that Instant Karma got ’em all in the end.

In January 1977, those White House enemies – John and Yoko – would attend the Inaugural Ball of non-paranoid President Jimmy Carter.

Let’s all take a moment to celebrate the music, wit, and peace-loving soul of John today – on what would have been his 73rd birthday.

For the whole story of John’s harassment, check out the film “The U.S. Versus John Lennon,” directed by John Scheinfeld. It features interviews with such notables as Carl Bernstein, Noam Chomsky, Walter Cronkite, Mario Cuomo, Angela Davis, Bobby Seale, Tom Smothers, G. Gordon Liddy, and Gore Vidal. Here’s the trailer:

By Dana Spiardi, Oct 9, 2013